Chris & Emma

Are you looking for the BEST housemate ever?

Well, I don’t own a physical award, but, if I were to enter an official contest, I suspect I’d come in top 5.

But don’t take my word for it. Here’s what some others said: - ‘Kept his room tidy, always cleaned the dishes. He will always be my baby’ - Chris’ Mum - ‘OMG I wish I lived with him’ - Random girl on the street - ‘Could he BE a better roommate’ - Chandler Muriel Bing

About me: Small Asian with Big heart seeking new home. Your boy just secured a big boi job at a big boi hospital hence we are relocating from Scotland to New Zealand. I am 6ft, 76kg - so not that small, but fairly flexible and I can curl up into a tight ball so don’t take up much room. Having survived to the ripe old age of 32 (and 1/2th), I’m pretty much a full-grown adult. Nonetheless, I’m still woefully inept at general adults things such as investing in the stock market and knowing when to stop drinking. I’m fully house trained meaning I will never pee the rug. Strict Asian parenting plus 10 years of house sharing + couch surfing means I’m a tidy and considerate individual to live with.

I’m often busy, pretending to work, but I’m easily distracted. Are you looking for a token Asian friend to show all your non-Asian friends that you’re cultured? Look no further - I AM YOUR FLIPPING MAN! I’ll gladly split a bottle of wine with you after you’ve had a shoddy day at work. Or, if you really hate yourself, let’s get horrendously drunk together and fight over a questionable kebab. What’s that! You don’t like your doner meat with diabetes! Say no more. I took a single cooking class in Chiang Mai and once touched Ainsley Harriott. My beans on toast recipe will knock your bloody socks off.

Not looking for a social housemate? Well, f*ck me dead! I am your knight in shining (introverted) armour; you wouldn’t hear a peep! In a past life, I was probably a Ninja, and then a Ghost!! Even if I crawl in after sinking 21 Jagerbombs and bossing the 50 Chicken McNuggets challenge - clinically, I should be dead; but I am not dead, I feel so FRICKING ALIVE. But, I will still be silent as a fox!! I’m not going to loudly phone my mum for our weekly catch up. I will email her because I’m a professional. This is the point people start to fade out so a perfect time to confess that I watch the ‘World’s Loudest Explosions Caught on Camera’ back to back and that I’m into butt stuff. Jokes aside, despite ALL of the above, I’m a relatively normal guy (only watched ‘World’s Loudest Explosions’ twice and I’m not really into butt stuff) who, I would be totally stoked to live with. Like, if we went to a costume party dressed as a horse, I would be the arse and let you be the face - that’s how much of a nice guy I am. Seriously though, NO Butt Stuff.

So Congratulations! If you’ve read this far through my donkey brained verbosity, it’s likely we’ll really get along. I’m easy going so whatever. Do you like stuff? Or things? Do you think, on occasion? Yes! Really? No way, me too! We should hang out, and think, occasionally, Together! So ask yourself: Are you tired of showing abnormally normal people around your place, hoping to God they don’t murder you? Well, hold onto your BUTTS people because your search is over. Be brave. Drop me a line if you have a room going, wanna buddy up, or tell me about a compelling dream you had recently.

P. S. Emma is like me but more personable and less psychotic.